Some people get tough.
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Not because they are evil, but because it is the only thing they have learned.
What we often encounter as arrogance, coldness or aggression is in reality a person who is controlled by their alter ego. A protective layer created by experiences, failures and unresolved pain. The alter ego takes over when the nervous system is on alert, and actions become reactions rather than conscious choices.
They see themselves through old stories.
They see others through defenses.
And they live in repetition, not because they want to, but because they don't know that another perspective exists.
These are unconscious patterns. Patterns that have never been seen from the outside. Never been questioned. Never been met with calm long enough for something to fall into place inside.
Because only when a person stops and sees themselves from a larger perspective does change begin. When reaction is replaced by reflection.
When toughness is no longer necessary for survival.
Until then, they are simply doing what they have learned.
And it's not always beautiful.
But that's human.
The hard thing is that people who live from their defenses rarely notice how tough they have become. Because toughness feels normal from the inside. It feels like strength. Like self-protection. Like control. But what is really missing is contact, with oneself, with one's own feelings, and with the vulnerable layer that was once shut down.
When you have not learned to regulate your emotions, you are controlled by them. Anger, shame, fear and powerlessness are expressed as attacks, distance or coldness. Not because you want to hurt, but because the body reacts faster than consciousness. It is a nervous system in survival, not a person in freedom.
Real change doesn't start with pointing fingers, but with being seen, first by oneself. When a person begins to take responsibility for their reactions instead of justifying them, a space opens up for something else. Softness. Clarity. Choice. Because behind almost all hardness, there is a person who never learned that it was safe to be soft.
Being loving requires courage. Not the loud, visible strength, but the quiet one. The courage to be yourself without a filter. Without defense. Without the need to attack, explain, or protect an image of yourself.
Because when you dare to face the world honestly, the alter ego slowly falls away. Reactions become choices. Hardness becomes boundaries with respect. And what was previously governed by fear begins to move from a place of calm.
To be yourself without a filter is not to be unregulated. It is to be connected. Connected to your inner truth, to your feelings and to the responsibility for them. This is where love is no longer something you do, but something you are.